mylifehasbecomeablurandiwishitwould stop.

Okay, so the title is maybe a little dramatic.  What I am really thinking is, who am I?

Man, it’s just so crazy and completely terrifying how I could fall into some repetetive motions and just keep doing while ceasing to feel. It’s like I just  gogogogogogogogogogogo goooo  without stopping to think and love and desire and seek.  All of a sudden I feel like I’ve lost myself in everything that there is and I wish there were just a few simple things to focus on, but the world has so much out there I can’t just pick and choose because there is too much.

I am nervous and unsettled about how many things are in my life that every day and I am wasting so much time thinking about really pointless things like school and work and my body and money and stuff and how much I suck at certain things that I really want to not suck at and what needs to happen and what I want to be different and what I will wear or buy or look at or watch on this stupid computer.  Okay, so some of these things are mildly important (like school, maybe or finances to a really small degree), but I feel like they are so minuscule compared to the larger scheme of things.

It’s like when you eat something really horrible and processed–full of additives and preservatives and things, like maybe candy or chips for example, instead of something really wholesome and wonderful like maybe an orange or cucumbers.  And you know it is dumb and will only be delicious for about a minute and then you will forget about it, but you do it anyways just because you feel like it or want to.

That is what I feel like I am doing with my days right now.  Packing them full of all this junk instead of really choosing the best avenue to glorify god and become filled.

I just want to sort stuff out.  But I feel like things are so weird and jumbled up and my priorities are scrambled and my heart is in a knot that I don’t know how to start untying.

I hate to leave this unresolved, but that is really all I’ve got.  Which is actually a real accomplishment and movement in some direction instead of no direction.  And if that’s all the progress I can make at this very moment, I am content.

Maybe having some understanding of the heart, even if not completely positive, is better than no understanding at all.

rediscovery or something

I am in love.

It is peaceful and calming and comforting.  And sure and real.  Funny silly hard sad happy joyful exciting nerveracking ridiculous scary long educational wonderful inconvenient lovely beautiful light confusing clear intricate delicate serious crazy colorful surprising etc. etc.

I am thankful.

aesthetics: thoughts on art & beauty

I used to think that beauty was subjective and art was definitive, meaning that anything could be beautiful depending on how you looked at it.  It’s almost even like you could decide what was beautiful and what was not beautiful.  I thought art was more concrete, so there were some things that were art and other things that were not.  But I’ve been thinking about this a bit and wondering if beauty is really subjective or if it is something more tangible that I could actually be certain about.  So I guess, in a sense, my wonder is whether or not beauty is true.

Here is what I am thinking:

Because there can be art that is not beautiful means that art is more widespread than beauty (since there is no beauty that is not beautiful).  For the purposes of reader understanding, I will define art simply as this: something that is created.  Therefore, in a sense, everything is art.  Now I understand that statement might be contingent on your particular worldview, but for the sake of me getting anywhere with this, I will write solely from my point of view.  So therefore, in a sense, everything is art.  I understand that you can create your own limits on the definition of art by saying art is something in a gallery or something that is painted or something  an artist made or something you can hang up in a room etc. etc.  But to me it makes more sense to say we are all artists and art is something that is created.

And some art is aesthetically pleasing while other art is not.  So some art can be delightful to the senses and mind, while other art is displeasing.  But to define something as beautiful means it gives great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.  It is something delighting to the senses and mind.  Beauty is more limited.  More exclusive, even, than art.  It seems beauty is something particular.  In fact, the definition of aesthetic is “pertaining to a sense of the beautiful.”  Isn’t that fascinating?  A sense of the beautiful.

And all I want for you and for me is to notice that.  The beautiful.  To look upon things that give us great satisfaction to see, hear, touch and feel, taste, think about sing about dance about write about and talk about, anything.  To notice things that are pleasing to our senses and our hearts/souls/bodies.  Things that make us want to rejoice exceedingly with great joy.

I don’t even know if any of this makes sense or if I completed a single thought in all of these words, but I will depart with this one last thing I want to tell you, friend.

I can assure you: beauty exists.

chaos resolves into truth

What is crazy to me is how many different ideas there are about everything in the world.  And even people with some of the same overarching ideas have serious differences underneath that concept.  This just makes for a difficult struggle toward peace or agreement.  In my head I guess it looks like this:

main idea (or maybe even paradigm)
idea idea idea idea idea
conflicting ideas & coexisting ideas
truth, lies, & apathy
truth

And I feel like in that, a lot of people, and I would maybe even say the majority of people, think they are right.  Because people only really would logically buy into believing a particular thing if they thought it was right.   So we all believe something about something and we also think were are the right ones, compared to everyone else, who is incorrect.  And it might seem close-minded or arrogant to commit to this correctness, but I don’t think it is because it is just logical, and if you think something you probably also think you are right about that or else you wouldn’t think it.

I know this seems really obvious, but I am getting at something.  What I want to say is that there is so much out there to believe, but really, the only thing that will ever exist in a constant is truth.  Because once everyone proves something wrong, people stop believing it, and then the belief is completely thrown aside and one common belief arises.  It’s like how some people used to think  the earth was flat and some people didn’t, but eventually everyone found out that the earth wasn’t flat at all, it was round.  And then the idea that it could be flat died and the fact that the earth is round was made one common belief among everyone.  The truth existed before opposing beliefs, during them, and after them.  So, eventually, the chaos of disagreement resolves and truth is revealed.

So you might be right, or you might be wrong.  And eventually you will discover whether you were right or wrong.  But I think something to remember is that truth, which can sometimes seem obscure, exists.

three words

This summer I talked to a lot of people.  Over 120.  I asked them a few questions and, for the most part, kept good record of their responses.  Their response were pretty interesting, and I think they say a lot about the way people feel, believe, and think is true.  So I am going to start posting some, or all, the their answers (anonymously).  Here is the first one.  I alphabetized the answers and allowed for repetition of words because I feel like seeing the frequency of different words says something about people, too.

If you could describe your life in three words, what would they be?

a blast, adventurous, adventurous, adventurous, adventurous, adventurous, alcohol, amazing, amazing, amazing, ambitious, ambitious, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. blessed, blessed, boring, boring, busy, busy, busy, busy, challenging, challenging, changing, chemical engineering, chill, chill, colorful, complicated, creative, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, drama, drama, dramatic, educating, enjoyable, enjoyable, entertaining, entertaining, eventful, eventful, eventful, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, exciting, fabulous, fabulous, faith, family, family, family, family-oriented, fantastic, fast, fast , fast, flirty, fml, food, friends, fucking awesome, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun for the most part, funny, funny, funny, full, full, fulfilling, gangsta, getting better, golf golf golf, good, good, good, grateful, great, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, hectic, high, hopeful, horrible, hungry, I don’t know, interesting, interesting, interesting, jesus, laid back, laughter, law, lazy, life, life is good, loud, love, loveable, loving, neat, on the go, original, outgoing, pantera, meaningful, mediocre, metal, mysterious, nervous, pretty good, random, really really fun, reckless, recreational, representative, roller coaster, routine, school, sexy, shitty, shitty, short, spontaneous, spontaneous, sporadic, still going strong, strange, stressful, stressful, stressful, stressful, stressful, stylish, sunny, surprising, tiring, undefined, unexpected, unexpected, unexpected, unpredictable, we suck at life, wild, women, wonderful, wondering, work work work

woman at the well

I am a woman of no distinction.  Of little importance.  I am a woman of no reputation, save that which is bad.  You whisper as I pass by and cast judgmental glances, though you don’t really take the time to look at me or even get to know me.  For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known and otherwise, what’s the point of doing either one of them in the first place?  I want to be known.  I want someone to look at my face and see not just two eyes a nose a mouth and two ears, but to see all that I am and could be all my hopes loves and fears.  But that’s too much to hope for, to wish for, or pray for, so I don’t.  Not anymore.  Now I keep to myself and by that I mean the pain that keeps me in my own private jail–the pain that’s brought me here at midday to this well.

To ask for a drink is no big request, but to ask it of me a woman unclean, ashamed, used and abused, an outcast, a failure, a disappointment, a sinner–no drink passing from these hands to your  lips could ever be refreshing, only condemning, as I’m sure you condemn me now.  But you don’t.  You’re a man of no distinction though of the utmost importance.  A man of little reputation, at least so far.  You whisper and tell me to my face what all those glances have been about, and you take the time to really look at me.  But don’t need to get to know me for to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known and you know me.  You actually know me.  All of me and everything about me.  Every thought inside and hair on top of my head, every hurt stored up, every hope, every dread.  My past and my future, all I am and can be.  You tell me everything.  You tell me about me.

And that which is spoken by another would bring hate and condemnation, coming from you brings love, grace, mercy, hope, and salvation.  I’ve heard of one to come who would save a wretch like me, and here in my presence you say, ‘I am he.’  To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known, and I just met you, but I love you.  I don’t know you, but I want to get to.  Let me run back to town.  This is way to much for just me.  There are others–brothers, sisters, lovers, haters, the good and the bad, sinners and saints, who should hear what you’ve told me, who should see what you’ve shown me, who should taste what you gave me, who should feel how you forgave me.  For to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known, and they all need this too, we all do need it for our own.

by chris kinsley & drew francis

earthcycle lifecycle

While I am here on this strange little planet that is floating and spinning around in space and infinity, and while I am amongst these beautiful things like trees and lakes and flowers that all just open themselves up and gaze at the sky and just seem to say from their little yellow centers and dark depths and strong trunks, ‘here I am, delight in me,’ I am delighted and thankful.  And what I want is for me, instead of just living in the midst of this cyclical and chaotic world, I want, as an intricately created being, to open up to the sky like a little wildflower of the earth, so that as the king of the universe gazes down on me he might see me delighting in his holiness and his wonderful creation.  All for the sake of his glory.

little glimpses of god’s glory

Lately my mind has just been fed a lot and my heart and body are not fully knowing what to feel.  There are so many things to think about and decide on and see and act upon and do and study.  It is just a lot.  But even so, I havedbeen learning and few lessons and coming to a few conclusions.

Like these:  Never turn your back on the ocean.  True saving faith always has a changed life that follows.  We are built to love without reserve.  Many times we are definied by are major or career goal, but what we do is not nearly as important as who we are.  There is beauty in mystery and my brain does not have to know everything, but it should know some things.  I want to embrace the truth about myself.

ocean viewpoint

Sometimes despite my feeling of extreme smallness in the midst of almost 7 billion other people, there was a moment when I  looked left and right and saw no one.  More than I felt like the only person who existed in an egotistical sort of way, I felt connected to myself.  Like there was nothing else to worry about.  It was just me and beauty.  Wave rocks sand shells wind.  My eyes blinking my heart beating air in air out inhale exhale think think think.  Pulse and life.  Earth and self.  Horizon.

Maybe when I can finally get away from people and noise and construction concrete plastic trash rubble I can understand and resepect what was created for me.

simple and logical

Every time you see a shirt, you know it has a creator.  Every time you see a watch, you know it has a designer.  Every time you see art, you know there is an artist.  Every time you see order, like twenty Coke cups in a row, there is an orderer.

When you look around the universe, what do you see?  You see creation, design, art, and order.  If every other thing has a creator, a designer, an artist, and an orderer behind it, why would you not think that there is a Creator, a Designer, an Artist, and an Orderer behind this universe?

(Mark Cahill)

By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse.  (For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them.)  Romans 1:19